Sorry That I Loved You, Tessa
by TheTrueLen
Summary: Brother Zachariah reminiscences his past life as James Carstairs and is written in his point of view. Mainly about Tessa as said in the title with many mentions of William Herondale. I based the fanfiction on the song "Sorry I loved You" by Anthony Neely which ohonhonhon you fangirls should love. Sorry beforehand I wrote this at 3AM and by the way only the fanfiction belongs to me.


_For all of the time that I tried for your smile  
For making you think that I was worth the while  
So your love love love love love would be mine  
__  
__Tessa,  
My dearest Tessa if you are reading this I have already succumbed to my illness. Do not cry for me, for I have lived a wonderful life with you, Will and everyone else at the institute, I felt what feelings I thought I had lost long ago.  
I trust you will not blame yourself for m y departure, I do not regret having not taken the rest of the yin feng for I would have held up the world for you whether it be impossible or not I would have tried. Though I regret not being able to grow old nor have children with you I wish the best for you, live the life you were so fortunate to have, live it well for that is all I have ever wished for.  
I was doomed to this most unfortunate fate from the start, and there was nothing you, nor Will could do about it. __"For you and any dear to you, I would to anything." Sydney Carton had famously said to Lucie, it is the same for I in this case, perhaps me and him are far more similar than I thought. Tessa, please know this I never meant to hurt you when I had thrown the drug in the fireplace, I just...I don't ever want you in pain, which is why I decided your life is far more important than mine, I know I was being selfish but _ _Zhe shi jie shang, wo shi zui ai ne de, I belong to you.  
Though I may be gone physically, I will always remain with you in spirit my love, if there is a next life may we be fortunate to fall in love again, for I could love no one but you._

Love always,  
J.C

I wrote the letter despite the fact I was indeed alive, not yet a wandering ghost that time so desperately wanted me to be. I had left it under Tessa's mattress for I knew my time would eventually come and I'd no longer be able to see that lovely smile of hers that makes my heart beat so. Tessa, yes Tessa, I do so regret not being the one in her heart but love is something you cannot force even if you desire it so much it kills you. Time has gone by and it has been months, no maybe even years since I became a silent brother, I will admit I miss Will, Tessa, Charlotte, Henry, Sophie and everyone else at the institute dearly but my decision is one I cannot go back on, I'm happy for Will and Tessa, for both of them to be happy, is enough to give me the strength to continue on in this cursed immortal life, my first and last.

_And I'm so sorry that I hurt you__  
__Sorry that I fell through__  
__Sorry I was falling in love with you__  
__I'm sorry that it came true but sorry doesn't turn back time__  
__For all that I have done to you__  
__I wish that I could make it right__  
__So sorry that I loved you__  
__Sorry that I needed you__  
__Sorry that I held you tight_

Will, the man I had given the only woman I had ever loved to, the man who I would have given everything up for; my parabatai, I should have known, I should have known he was in love with her. I should have seen the looks he gave her, the way he laughed louder when she was around, I was such a selfish fool I didn't even notice that.  
That evening at Blackfriar's bridge, I remember it like it was yesterday. There I was walking alongside Tessa, a woman whom I was hardly too close with, but I couldn't help but notice the way her long brown hair was falling perfectly, her alluring gray eyes just stood out. We talked, and I knew automatically, she was the woman who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I could care less if it were short.  
Now that I look back at it, how foolish was I? Tessa was immortal, and I was a man who was just how close to death's door. If only I had been more aware, more selfless I could have avoided this unnecessary pain, I never should have held her, I never should have kissed her, and most of all I never should have tied her down by proposing to her when I knew of course, she'd have said yes out of either pity or actual love.

_And I'm so sorry for...__  
__Making you love me and saying goodbye__  
__For being the one that taught you how to cry__  
__It was love, love, love and it passed us by  
For giving you everything that you dreamed__  
__For taking it back when I fled the scene__  
__Sorry love, for wasting your time_

A man such as I, am not worthy of her love, I can say that now with no doubts. As a silent brother I am not allowed to speak of my past life nor even make hints about it, but I'll confess this. The day I was on my 'death bed' was truly the day James Carstairs had died. When I laid there looking like a ghost the thing I regretted most was letting Mortmain capture Tessa, the moment she was torn from me I had felt like I had lost my life on the spot. Speaking to Will after letting Tessa disappear out of my grasp was just as hard, I could not face him for it was too shameful, I had forced my way into her heart and yet there I was being completely useless when who knew what Mortmain was doing to her. "Wo Ai Ni" I did not deserve the right to speak those words to anyone especially Tessa...so I sent Will after her, I knew he would take care of Tessa in my place, if there was anyone for the task, it was Will, I now understood he loved her as much as I did, perhaps even more.  
James Carstairs, what a foolish man, I constantly think to myself nowadays. I was alive when I went to fight alongside the institute in the battle against Mortmain but I had let the oath that binds me to the silent brothers prevent me from reuniting with the ones I loved. Tears threatened to roll down my face when I saw Tessa and Will, but after the battle I just-I just fled. Who knew James Carstairs was such a coward? I certainly did not, but what could I have done back then? my ties with them had been already cut. I remember holding her, holding Tessa close, making her laugh, telling her I loved her constantly, worrying about her, kissing her it was all like a dream. To be honest, when I fled it was because I could not bear to see her nor Will filled with hope that things could return to normal, then tear it from them. Seeing Tessa and Will hurt, would be a punishment worse than death.  
The punishment that is loneliness, I will bear it alone. Being alone, it is not so bad as long as I get to see my friends, and what is left of my family once a year. My dearest Tessa...Wo Ai Ni, I'll always love you.  
_  
An apology now after all of this time__  
__Won't make any difference tonight_  
_But I'm hoping "I'm sorry" will open your mind__  
__To love, love, love, love in your life___

_I'm so sorry that I hurt you__  
__Sorry that I fell through__  
__Sorry I was falling in love with you__  
__I'm sorry that it came true but sorry doesn't turn back time__  
__For all that I have done to you__  
__I wish that I could make it right___

_So sorry that I hurt you__  
__Sorry that I fell through__  
__Sorry I was falling in love with you__  
__I'm sorry that it came true but sorry doesn't turn back time___

_Sorry that I loved you__  
__Sorry that I hurt you__  
__I'm so sorry that I loved you__  
__I'm so sorry that I hurt you__  
__Sorry that I loved you_

I am brother Zachariah, and this is my story, and my last song to you Tessa...


End file.
